La Pata

i'm in turkey!

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 01:09:16 GMT

http://ohmysimsel.livejournal.com/

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:24:03 GMT

the word cancer drops like a bomb. it took me a while to actually realize that my doctors are talking about cells in my esophagus being pre-cancerous. then I got furious. This would ruin everything. I might not even get to graduate on time, let alone go travel and live abroad. and this condition, barrett's esophagus, is supposed to only affect old people who've had stomach acid problems for decades. what the fuck? It's just not right. It's just not right.

we'll see what the tests show I guess

somebody fix my body for the love of god

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:24:57 GMT

I spent all weekend studying for an exam this morning, I also have a paper due today and i figured i could write the paper after the exam. but i woke up in too much horrible stomach pain from my stupid gastritis-ulcers-degenerating esophagus to go take the exam, so i wasted my time studying when i felt ok this weekend, and now I feel like shit but the paper is already late and i have to force myself to write it today which is stressing me out which gives me more stomach acid which gives me more pain

dear body, how the shit am I going to survive in adult life if you are constantly breaking down.

way too excited about leaving here

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:30:36 GMT

I'm almost completely checked out of school, hopefully I will be able to get through finals, and next semester should be pretty easy-- herpetology, modernist german lit, lame psych class, lame sociology class. I am 100% focused right now on completing an application for the congress-bundestag youth exchange program due on dec 1. I really want to go to germany. Really really badly. This program would send me there for a full year for classes and an internship in my field of study. the pay is very low and i would probably live in a smaller town like Ulm or Halle instead of berlin (I miss berlin a lot) but it is still an amazing and prestigious program that would give me exactly what I want. I've been talking to the researcher we collaborate with in berlin and she says i'd have a great shot getting into grad school at the freie universitaet or max planck institute in Berlin but I don't think I'm ready to commit to six years (at least) in germany. I just want to try it out, and also go abroad and peace out of this place. I know intellectually that it is folly to expect geographical change to help my mental state very much... but it couldn't help, right? and god I love deutschland. I really want to take this time to travel around a bit too, you know, see switzerland and ireland and spain like i've always wanted, and maybe even russia if sean is there! supposedly the program stipend is not enough to travel on and some people have had trouble even living on it... but of course they have never seen the likes of diaz-nelson frugality. and I am definitely down for tutoring english and spanish on the side for some big euros.

I also bought tickets to istanbul this weekend. Liqiao and i are going in march to conduct some interviews on family planning in turkey, and we got grant money to go, so my grandparents sprung for the tickets. awesome right? We'll be there for ten days spanning spring break. I love istanbul and liqiao wants to go see her turkish boyfriend so I'm gonna be off on my own a lot riding around town, marinating in the beauty and craziness, and I'm also thinking about jetting off to athens for one day since it's only like an hour away and I've always wanted to see the acropolis. But it'd be an extra several hundred dollars to go... so we'll see

ah I'm too excited! I want to leave now! I'm so sick of this undergrad mess!

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 07:54:05 GMT

I am in Utah and it is currently 2 am here, which means it is 4 am in real time, and I have a paper due in six hours. I usually have major problems with time management and finishing papers on time but in this instance it is sort of not my fault: monday and tuesday were 100% filled with writing a different paper for german and making a poster for the conference that starts tomorrow (today) here in salt lake city. and this weekend was all about sean visiting and sehba's event, which were both awesome and totally worth having to bust my ass right now. and last week I had a physics exam. I don't know how other people get their shit done in time. Anyway I just want to complain about that for a moment before i buckle down and finish this stupid paper, hopefully in time to get some sleep in before I have to look professional at this conference.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 05:32:04 GMT

Somehow along the way of my life, i've dicked over several people, without meaning to, it just happened. I guess as i fumble around trying to figure out how to grow up and move on from everything, i need help and i frequently don't know what I want, and certain people along my way get used or mistreated. is this unavoidable?

that's it, i'm done

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:10:18 GMT

I wrote a letter to the editor called "Where's My Financial Aid Initiative?" about how Duke says it's doing this great financial aid initiative, but the average duke student is outrageously privileged and our supposed financial aid initiative is not working at all for students such as myself. the examples i used were entirely personal; I said that I have to work 15-20 hours a week at workstudy which makes me totally unable to compete grade-wise with other students, and my parents are being asked to contribute $35,000 when they only make $65,000 per year which is completely ridiculous, and how this is the reason underprivileged people are still barred from upper level education.

the response: the two co-chairs of the student advisory council to the financial aid initiative (which I didn't even know existed) wrote a letter to the editor saying I was misguided because Duke is actually trying very hard to raise lots of money, they help out families making under $60,000 per year, and that duke faces unique problems since the endowment is relatively young or some bullshit, and how duke is so great because it has need-blind admissions.

are you shitting me? did they not read what i wrote? i don't give a fuck about what duke says they're doing. I don't care about their supposed financial troubles because I know they drop thousands of dollars just planting and re-planting tulips around campus every spring--yes, when the tulips die because they are not suited to live in north carolina, Duke just pulls them out and plants more, I swear to god. And the idea that Duke is on the ball just because they have need-blind admissions is disgusting--let's not even go into how that's standard now for top-notch private universities with large endowments. Face facts! Need-blind admissions doesn't level the playing field, you assholes. I'm glad they are helping people with incomes less than $60,000 per year but that cut-off is arbitrary, there is no sliding scale for incomes slightly above that number such as my family's, and another part of the initiative's brilliant plan is to cap student loans and give the extra slack to the parents. Great idea everyone. These co-chairs also brought up the fact that duke gives you the work-study money you would have otherwise earned working full-time over a given summer so that you can take an unpaid internship (which is literally a degree requirement for a public policy major). Unfortunately though I know for a fact that the work-study allotment of money cannot fund living expenses for a summer, especially if you are living in DC, where most of these internships are. They also don't offer this earnings replacement for semesters abroad, so while you can get financial aid to study abroad, you can't earn any money, which would be debilitating for students like me.

to add insult to injury, these two co-chairs are white, identify as "conservative" and "moderate", and live in the rich part of austin and the rich part of santa cruz, cali, respectively.

iron man

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sat, 03 May 2008 21:48:12 GMT

Is the worst and most offensive movie I've ever seen in my life. I really can't think of one I hate more. I love bad action movies, but the action was not even good, it was half ridiculous technology doing all the work and half ridiculous technology being faulty. the climax fight scene was fucking boring. although maybe some people will disagree about the action, I don't know, I'm pretty sure I was blinded by rage after the first five minutes of the movie so maybe I was biased against the entertainment value of the explosions.

but yes it became evident in the first second that the plot was terrible, none of the characters actually developed as people but didn't pull off campy caricatures either (which would have made it better), I really wanted the main character tony stark to die, and it was fucking racist and sexist. the fact that it's getting good reviews is because male chauvinist yokels think tony stark's privileged sexist playboy antics are hilarious (Blond girl in sultry voice: "Hey tony, remember me?" Tony as he is walking by breezily: "no." Audience: hilarious!) and they believe his half-assed random nonsensical concern for other humans makes him just complex enough, even though he actually did something to help other people only once in the whole stupid movie. And he still acted pretty much the same, forgot about his buddy who helps him and gets killed in the terrorist camp, and still treated women like crap after his life-changing revelation. I guess having a superhero with real logical motivation and emotional involvement is too much complexity. he did mention a motivation: "I saw americans killed by my own weapons in afghanistan!" do I even need to mention how stupid and racist it is to say that he was ok with his weapons being used to kill all those other non-americans? But I guess people love seeing middle-eastern stereotype terrorists explode, and of course people also love the token black guy saying sassy things. What the shit, Terrence Howard? you were in crash! also, where did robert downey jr. come from and why did they make his facial hair so fucking ugly? And if I were gwyneth paltrow and I just played the role of a stiletto-heel-wearing submissive secretary cleaning up after some rich white chauvinist asshole, I'd send back my Oscar and cry for the lost days of Margot Tenenbaum.

I am so disgusted that people think this is a good movie. It's like the highest rated movie on rotten tomatoes all year, better than Juno and There Will Be Blood, and that makes me want to vomit. The New York Times and a few other reviewers gave negative reviews but none of them mention the misogyny and racism, they just dwell on the movie's other glaring problems. Just thinking about it is giving me an anger headache.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:04:31 GMT

I just registered and submitted an abstract for my first conference! it's SACNAS (society for the advancement of chicanos and native americans in science, apparently latinos count too) in october in Salt Lake City. Name of the abstract: "Genes Regulated in Vocal Learning Systems" (the vaguest title we could come up with)! hooray

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 14:53:27 GMT

The problem is that I just don't care, so while I feel pretty stupid for having a final tomorrow morning for which I haven't studied because I'm trying to finish a paper I should've finished days ago, I don't really feel thaaat stupid, I just feel mostly lazy, which I'm pretty much fine with. Haha I'm so screwed, and I still don't care that much.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:14:46 GMT

i blew out my back, which only confirms that my body is destroying itself

GO DUKE!

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:55:30 GMT

Front page of new york times today: picture, take by a duke student, of a lone Chinese student standing with pro-Tibet rally that was on campus last week, facing the counter-rally sponsored by a chinese students organization. that student's personal information was posted on a pro-China internet forum, and her parents' home in China was vandalized wednesday. And now the picture is in the new york times! It's official, everyone, duke is awesome.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:34:28 GMT

You know those nights where you get home and sit in silence for moment and then say, "what the shit just happened?"

impressions from today:

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:09:07 GMT

nurse putting sedatives into my IV ....... then waking up as I gagged when they pulled out the scope, feeling the plastic guard in my teeth, the suction in my mouth, and the tube reaching down down down, someone distantly telling me it was almost over, the pain and shock making me try to yell "what the shit!" and start crying, and the same distant person telling me not to move... the doctor saying something to me afterwards... stumbling into bed at home... checking my email and replying to my professor, I have no idea what I typed... calling the dean's office and saying I'd come in to see her but then passing out again instead

good day all around, I slept like 12 hours

I am going to come out the other side of this so strong I'll just dropkick people in my way

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:01:01 GMT

I thought about something recently. the college years are horrible for me. I drive around at night sometimes blasting music and just weep at how frustrated I feel. But I see now: I'm going to look back on this and see it as a baptism of fire. I've been wondering why I'm so angry at everyone here, at the standards, and so defensive and aggressive about my identity. it's because being here challenges everything about me, constantly and painfully. I guess that's what college is supposed to be: pushing you to develop into the next stage, a more mature person, a young adult, something.

but I feel like I'm fighting a war, and I'm exhausted, and furious, and I can feel it turning me into a person who outright scorns rich people, or white people, or whoever I perceive as the enemy in my war. I feel like I'm becoming incapable of truly enjoying being social. the last time I ventured out, I went to a concert by myself and met some acquaintances there but there were too many goofy college people in the venue so I just couldn't stand it and left in the middle of the set, and drove around durham by myself and cried. with other smaller things, like dinners and friends' parties, I can have a good time but my thoughts are just so critical and I keep wanting to turn the conversation to myself, my struggles, my politics. and I keep pointing out to myself in my head all the sexist or racist comments people make, as if filing them away so I can remind myself later of why I hate everyone and why I'm superior because I'm underprivileged compared to people at this school.

so what it boils down to, is that I just don't have many close friends, I don't actually go out and do new things ever, i don't get to know new people, and I haven't been on an actual date in personal record time. did I mention that I cut off all my hair six weeks ago? the reasons I did it are numerous but honestly the biggest I think is that it was another self-defining, self-alienating move, as if to test how open people really are, and when they react differently (as I suspected they would, especially mainstream men) I feel even more scornful. ha! you can't handle me, you white-bread motherfuckers! oh wait, but now I'm stuck looking like a punk butch lesbian for months, and although I think it rocks and so do some friends and acquaintances, it has definitely contributed to not meeting new people. especially: as much as I'd love to meet a guy who was intrigued by the hair and interested in me as a person, it's just not happening. and I'm over just finding any guy and having fun. so things are difficult.

I could write a whole other entry about the social experiment that is my hair, and a related sub-entry on the men I have encountered recently, but i want to focus on what the hair means for my identity. it means I'm pissed off, I feel like an alien here, I want to scorn social standards, but i am also a social person and I'm becoming concerned about my attitude as well as my hair. I am so proud to be a woman, a feminist, a latina, a sexual assault survivor, to be the daughter of my parents, to have grown up the way I did. I am also proud that my experience has been so different from other people's here because I really feel enriched and I also feel like I contribute something to the student body even just by running around with short hair and a big latin booty, yelling at people for saying sexist or racist things. but I feel like I'm being attacked constantly, definitely passively, but nearly everything I see or hear on campus offends or challenges me personally in some way. I feel like I have to stand out and fight back, to the point where I just openly glare at, for example, white girls wearing designer clothes. I know it's not constructive and obviously not fair to the girl, who probably is a nice person and has her share of troubles and is just wondering why the crap this punk butch lesbian is glaring at her. I'm trying to fight these prejudiced tendencies. but it really says something about how intense I perceive these challenges to be, that I react this way.

I do hope it is just a reaction, and once I make it out of here I'll balance out, and I'll attribute my future strong sense of identity and personal opinion to my years of hell here at duke. I know this. but right now, I'm so tired of it--the inane bullshit, the innocuous but disgusting jokes, the looks I get, people yelling opinions on topics they have no concept of. my peers being already familiar with all the equipment and techniques because of private schooling and then complaining about how much they study when I bust my ass studying to keep up with them and working in the lab 20 hours a week for my money. god, the privileged people eeeeverywhere in this tiny-ass town, all caught up in their little worlds. I'm tired all the time. I can make it through this.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 22:27:58 GMT

I'm so angry at pretty much everyone here all the time, I gotta get out of durham, I gotta find real people, I gotta find a man worth a damn

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 03:43:31 GMT

I hate duke.

I hate insecure ignorant people scapegoating. I hate all the dumbasses who have no concept of a situation making judgements on it. I hate everyone with their crowded little mindsets and no room for anything outside their experience.

t-shirt idea: "if you were poor you'd be a stripper"
OR "so if you have lots of sex you have no human rights? is that how it works?"
OR maybe just "shut the fuck up rich white assholes"

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:52:41 GMT

I'm a couple of months early but here is my big plan for my birthday that I just came up with to anger soyee:

Come to "afternoon delight", a frolicking romp! I'm going to sit around all afternoon in an inflatable pool getting drunk outside my apartment here in Durham (weather permitting). Everyone is invited!

eventful week

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 23:27:58 GMT

-Sean went to russia
-I started having horrible stomach pain last saturday and after some hospitalizations, doctors and tests, and a lot of vicodin, they figured out friday that I have a bunch of stomach ulcers and polyps
-I cut off all my hair yesterday

more on all this later

I love complaining to livejournal

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 02:20:48 GMT

I'm done with final exams, I think I barely passed organic chem but I did ok in everything else, which is all fine by me. I still have to finish up some german papers but I'm basically done with them so I feel like the semester is over.

it hasn't totally sunk in though. I feel like I'm in shock. this semester has been a nightmare. coming back from the wondrous idyll that was my summer abroad, to face: 25-30 hours a week of class, 15+ hours a week at the lab, crazy turkish stomach infection, spraining my knee and being on crutches, more heart issues, increasing migraine frequency, constant exhaustion, hanging out with about 5 friends total, fighting and half-assedly dating randomly to try to make myself get over the last man I was involved with. (it didn't work.)

Challenges are good. They force you to examine yourself and grow. I've definitely matured a lot this summer and this semester. But I know I will back on this semester, and it will seriously rival freshman year for level of depression and pain. I never knew I could be so downbeaten as I was these past couple of months. I cried so much. Mortality was constantly on my mind and I was frequently in physical pain. and I was heartbroken.

But I also faced some realities about my relationship with men and sex. I can't do what I used to do anymore, where I'd just blindly have casual sex and pretend like it means nothing, and even if I could I wouldn't want to. it should mean something and it's so much better when you care for each other. Sounds kind of cheesy but it was a major breakthrough for me. the difficult thing though is how painful it is to put yourself out there like that. Especially when so many people have a problem with emotions and honesty in sex. And it's even more difficult because I completely love sex. And even even more difficult when I completely lose interest in a man when he stops actively pursuing me constantly. which is bad, but I'll get to that later.

I'm sort of seeing someone right now, and he told me he doesn't want a serious relationship and blah blah, and certainly I don't either. but does that exclude an emotional involvement? I would argue no. but unfortunately I'm finding it very difficult to explain that to him, and frankly I'm glad it's break time, because I'm having trouble dealing with even this most minor of romantic involvements with someone I'm not even that interested in pursuing. I can't seem to strike a balance between my horniness, my need for machismo in men I'm with, my feminist beliefs, and my newfound insecurity.

I feel unstable. this semester has been horrible. In fact the past couple of years have been horrible. In fact, if I dig super deep this all probably started when I was 13 and it's still emerging slowly, like a leviathan rising from the water, strengthened by all the shit that's happened here in college. and I definitely can't and won't depend on a romantic relationship to make me feel more stable. I have to fight this. ugh I'm so tired.

Fortunately I'm not even tempted to get seriously involved right now, thanks to the circumstances surrounding the last man I was involved with. it was an outrageous situation that I knew from the beginning would end the way it would, with us getting ultra emotionally involved and having an ultra dramatic ending. i wouldn't ever take it back, but it caused a lot of issues, like: why the crap do I still think about him all the time even though it's been like five months? was it so great because I'm really only very attracted to much older passionate artist men who pursue me like crazy but are ultimately unavailable? is that why I am so completely uninterested in men in my peer group? the guy I'm sort of seeing right now is the first man since finn that I've been at all interested in, and I'm not even that into him, even though he is a crazy artist type who is part cherokee. and why? because he won't kick my door down? because I'm afraid to like him more for fear he won't like me back? what is wrong with me? I haven't felt this insecure in... well, ever really. I used to just do what I want without even thinking about it, which was a bad policy, but now that the policy is changed I haven't resorted myself out yet, I guess. it's scary and I know I'm heading towards a good thing but ugh, what a horrible semester it's been.

man, I definitely can't handle a relationship right now.

blarg

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:48:55 GMT

I've been ordered off caffeine... and it's finals week... and I'm exhausted

autumn in durham

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 15:43:15 GMT

I'm staying in durham for thanksgiving, partially because I need to stay here and work on my gene expression project, partially because I don't have money to fly home, and partially because I have my fam in Raleigh to be with. I miss houston and my parents and my houston friends a lot but I'm also glad I'm staying here. I'm totally losing momentum in my studies; I think if I had such a major vacation right now I'd come back with zero motivation, only hoping to survive until I come to houston for christmas. at least now I'll feel like I should be studying.

The good news is that I'm still very excited about my project. In fact most of the time I'd rather be in the lab than in my room or in class. It makes me feel happy with going to grad school.

It's also beautiful on campus right now. as many of you know, my biggest problem with duke is my fellow undergraduates. But! They're all gone now and all that's left is dramatic gothic architecture and the trees, whose red and yellow leaves are being stripped to leave the bare winter trunks and branches.

It makes me wish a little that I had someone to share this time with, like a boyfriend who was here for thanksgiving too. I think I'm kind of lonely. But I guess I've learned from my wealth of ridiculous experiences, because I know I don't really want to be, and nor should I be, in another relationship right now. and I also don't feel like banging random people. if I'm honest with myself there's only one person in this city I could even consider being with but that opportunity will not arise.

My appetite has dwindled a lot this semester. last year I ate like a horse; this semester I usually barely manage to choke down about two meals a day, and by meals I mean like one yoghurt with granola or one falafel platter, stuff like that. I thought it was because of this lingering turkish stomach infection, and I'm also tired all the time and really blase about a lot of things. I realized I might be becoming depressed, and I think I stopped it if I were, because I feel better, but I still have appetite and exhaustion problems. I guess I'm just sick? I went to counseling a couple times earlier this semester, I should maybe go back... but I have no time, and I feel like my concerns are just too nebulous and scattered right now to be pinned down and discussed rationally: "Hey doc, I feel like crap sometimes; my body's a lemon; I fear death; I want to cry when I look at pictures from this summer; I still think a lot about this guy I was involved with only briefly months ago; I can't do homework; I'm lonely but I dislike everyone here, especially the rich ones; I don't think I've come to terms with all the other shit that's happened to me in my life; maybe I should get open heart surgery now instead of later?; oh and I'm not sure how many of these are actual issues I'm concerned about rather than just distractions I'm using so I don't have to do my homework. Ok, go!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm mostly pretty happy, especially when I'm in the lab, and I do have friends, and I do go out sometimes. It's also been very nice to have all this time to myself and come to all these realizations on my own. if I think about it my undergraduate career has been back to back drama and serious relationships, so in a way this is the first time I've been able to slow down and take a breath as an individual free from immediate crises and time consuming boyfriends. no wonder all this crap is coming up, right?

Well I have to go to work, which I'm pretty excited about-- hopefully my birds will sing for me.

another angry rant

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:04:00 GMT

I went to the doctor yesterday and he said my weight was around 150 pounds, and since I'm about 5'3", that means I'm slightly overweight according to the NIH body mass index.

Fortunately I happen to know for a fact that the body mass index is a load of shit. Yes I weight 150 pounds, but I also wear size 4 pants. So why would the NIH be saying that I'm overweight? Because their bullshit body mass index doesn't take into account muscle mass or bone structure. Since I dance and work out a lot I have more muscle than the average woman, and muscle weighs more than fat. Also since I have half Colombian genes I'm built like a sturdy jungle mountain dweller who is preparing to pop out tons of catholic babies. So this means that like american jean companies, the NIH hasn't factored in the possibility of a short, not overweight woman with humongous curves. Unless a large ass and big boobs equals extra body fat that needs to be worked off, in which case I'd call the NIH racist sexist bastards.

But let's focus on this ridiculous standard that doctors try to pass off as scientific because they're too lazy to come up with an effective way to measure muscles mass and bone structure. I definitely agree that overweight and obesity are huge problems. But I can't help but feel like skewed standards, ignorance, and a lack of personal responsibility have a lot to do with it. How are people supposed to learn what's unhealthy and what isn't when the authorities are dictating it to us based on ridiculous indexes? The most definitive reason that I know I'm healthy is because I exercise, eat really well, and feel generally energetic and happy. But according to the BMI I need to starve myself or something because I think it'd be physically impossible to work out even more or eat even better than I already am. And I'm sure you can easily come up with examples of people who would be actually unhealthy but seem healthy according to the BMI.

Basically I'm saying, fuck the BMI, and what is "healthy" has to be decided on an individual basis--maybe then people will start being realistic about health and weight.

oh and screw those racist NIH scientists.

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 04:50:28 GMT

good news: finally getting closure on a relationship results in a massive weight you didn't even realize was there lifting off your chest

bad news: receiving more bad heart news immediately replaces that weight, and unfortunately it turns out the heart is not so good at stress

a study break ramble about travel

nicole.nelson@duke.edu — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 03:50:10 GMT

Almost three months have gone by since I got back from Turkey and I haven't stopped thinking about everything I did this summer, not at all. I still dream about the places I went. But whereas I used to think about it with this desperate longing (sehnsucht) now I'm kind of just sitting back with amazement at all the incredible things I got to do. I can't believe it. And now instead of wanting to cry with how much I miss it and how much I hate being here doing mundane things, I just feel this crazy drive to get back there, or actually just get back on a plane and go somewhere, anywhere. I should be focusing on my studies and bringing up my goddamn GPA but instead I think about how much money I can save up for spring break and summer so that I can go to spain and australia, and how to get a grant to go back to berlin this summer, and how to get a Fulbright to go back to Ecuador and Colombia... all things I need money and a good GPA for, which is honestly the best motivation I've come up with thus far in my academic career to do well in my classes. So is this my goal in life? Do something as a career I don't mind doing too much, just as long as I can travel? I'd love to change the world or help people along the way but honestly my priority right now is personal exploration and fulfillment. Which I think is pretty legit.

Having a foreign mother who is so obsessed with travel she would forgo buying us things (like clothes, household appliances, cars, name-brand foods...) in order to save our meager money for trips, and so nutty she'd spontaneously buy cheap airplane tickets to random places when she saw good deals, and so much family all over the US and south america brought me to amazing places. Like crammed in a station wagon with two cousins, four aunts, my mom and my brother road tripping from Vegas to Yellowstone. Or going with my cousin in Ecuador to hike the tallest volcano in the Andes, and see the equator, and overlook the amazon basin and play with sloths and borderhop into brazil for lunch. And wandering around Prague for no reason with no czech language skill and no knowledge of the city. And busting into a fancy wine tasting in Rome and pretending to be Italian in order to get smashed with my mom and take fancy wine glasses. And getting totally lost in mexico city and ending up meeting a famous artist and getting invited to his exhibit opening in an old cathedral. Or finding our way into a fashion show in London, or spending hours listening to gypsy bands in florence, or even sailing around the good old neuse river here in NC, or just sunbathing on the patio of the finca in colombia, with my family, gently stroking a spider monkey who fortunately does not bite hard enough to break the skin.

And then there was this summer, which as I'm sure you can tell from my previous entries, will certainly be a formative experience in my life. I mean, god, I lived in Berlin, I hiked in the alps and went skinnydipping, I became fluent in a third language, I saw the Wall and the brandenburg gate, the bauhaus academy, hitler's bunker, the potsdam palace and gardens, Weimar and the Reichstag; I went to norway and experienced constant sunlight and went glacier hiking and saw the fjords and the viking relics and herds of mountain goats; and then Turkey-- I lived in one of the most ancient cities in the world, I saw Aristotle's Academy and the Hagia Sophia, I spelunked in Cappadocia and hiked in Antioch scorching in the desert half a mile from Syria, I saw Troy and Ephesus and Pergammom, I swam and dove and island hopped and rock climbed in the Aegean sea.

Turkey was definitely amazing because it was so completely different, with the women in burqas and the calls to prayer and the feeling of ancient from being near the fertile crescent. But every place I went, in fact every place I've ever gone, is incredible because of what they mean to me. I'd go back to every single one if I could. I'd feel exalted just by knowing the streets and recognizing buildings. I feel exalted just by thinking about them and immortalizing them in my mind. For that reason I think I'd love to travel anywhere in the world. I love the slums of medellin, which are built on huge landfills and painfully destitute, as much as the most beautiful parts of prague and rome because they are mine and unique. Right now I'm down on duke and durham but over time, especially after I leave them, I know I'll love them too because I possess them through my intimate knowledge of them. Does that make sense? It all sounds very poetic and aristotle-y but it's true, knowledge is intimacy is pleasure and love and immortality. I love every person I've ever gotten to know intimately, I love all my lovers, I love all the cities I've ever explored. I'm coming to love my research just because I know it so well.

(Ecuador is one of my favorite places. It was a while ago but I still remember it perfectly: the arid peaks, the lush valleys with waterfalls and hot springs everywhere, the huge markets of llama wool and leather goods in random indigenous villages, the mountain lakes, the glaciers, herds of alpacas in the wind, and then driving eastward over some peaks and suddenly looking down on miles of foggy rainforest. I don't know, something about the insane heights and angles, the crazy contrast of altitude and climate, and the way it the Andes look above the timberline really appeals to me. If I can manage to get a Fulbright I think I'd want to go there. Or maybe Germany?)

So I guess this is what I want to do with my life right now. Dip myself into places across the world and meet people. Fortunately my mom completely agrees and is asking me to save up money for a trip to australia this summer. Why? Because she found a deal. I love it. And if I can manage to make enough money I want to go to spain over spring break. And I'm 99% going to get that grant to go back to berlin for 3 weeks this summer. and maybe if sean goes back to russia I'll make my way there too. whee!